How To Love Abusive Husband
(Unedited)

God's Plan for Young Women (Part 5)

How to Love an Abusive Husband

Titus 2:4

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Introduction

We're still in chapter 2 of Paul's letter to Titus and we're looking at God's plan for young women. This is the 5^th part in the series. The very first counsel that Paul gives to young women is to love their husbands. We've learned several things about the phrase "love their husbands":

It means "to be affectionate and treat her husband in a loving manner, or consider him to be a dear friend or even as a best friend."
This kind of love needs to be learned. Titus 2:3-4 ESV Older women... are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands.

As I said before, the reason why we're taking an unusually long time in this portion of Scripture is because I want to address the specific issues that many wives may be struggling with. Many Christian wives are wondering, "How do I apply Paul's counsel to love my husband if he is not a Christian, or if he is passive-aggressive, or abusive?

I already tackled the first two situations where a Christian wife may be married to a man who is not a Christian and who is passive-aggressive. Get copies of those teachings if you are in that situation and you want to know God's solution and some practical advice on how to love such a husband.

Today's Study

Today, I want to look at another problem many wives face which make it, not only difficult, but almost impossible, for them to love their husbands. This is the case of a Christian wife who is married to a man who is "abusive or violent."

Let's look at some of the traits or acts of an abusive person.

Let me start with a definition of violence according to Republic Act No. 9262, also known as "Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004"[1]:

SEC. 3. Definition of Terms.- As used in this Act, (a) "Violence against women and their children" refers to any act or a series of acts committed by any person against a woman who is his wife, former wife, or against a woman with whom the person has or had a sexual or dating relationship, or with whom he has a common child, or against her child whether legitimate or illegitimate, within or without the family abode, which result in or is likely to result in physical, sexual, psychological harm or suffering, or economic abuse including threats of such acts, battery, assault, coercion, harassment or arbitrary deprivation of liberty. It includes, but is not limited to, the following acts:

1. "Physical Violence" refers to acts that include bodily or physical harm;
2. "Sexual violence" refers to an act which is sexual in nature, committed against a woman or her child. It includes, but is not limited to:
  1. rap, sexual harassment, acts of lasciviousness, treating a woman or her child as a sex object, making demeaning and sexually suggestive remarks, physically attacking the sexual parts of the victim's body, forcing her/him to watch obscene publications and indecent shows or forcing the woman or her child to do indecent acts and/or make films thereof, forcing the wife and mistress/lover to live in the conjugal home or sleep together in the same room with the abuser;
  2. acts causing or attempting to cause the victim to engage in any sexual activity by force, threat of force, physical or other harm or threat of physical or other harm or coercion;
  3. Prostituting the woman or child.
3. "Psychological violence" refers to acts or omissions causing or likely to cause mental or emotional suffering of the victim such as but not limited to intimidation, harassment, stalking, damage to property, public ridicule or humiliation, repeated verbal abuse and mental infidelity. It includes causing or allowing the victim to witness the physical, sexual or psychological abuse of a member of the family to which the victim belongs, or to witness pornography in any form or to witness abusive injury to pets or to unlawful or unwanted deprivation of the right to custody and/or visitation of common children.
4. "Economic abuse" refers to acts that make or attempt to make a woman financially dependent which includes, but is not limited to the following:

1. withdrawal of financial support or preventing the victim from engaging in any legitimate profession, occupation, business or activity, except in cases wherein the other spouse/partner objects on valid, serious and moral grounds as defined in Article 73 of the Family Code;

2. deprivation or threat of deprivation of financial resources and the right to the use and enjoyment of the conjugal, community or property owned in common;

3. destroying household property;

4. controlling the victims' own money or properties or solely controlling the conjugal money or properties.

A Closer Look at the traits of an abusive spouse[2]

Let me probe into this more closely. Let's look at some signs that indicate that a wife is in an abusive relationship:

Signs that you're in an abusive relationship

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more "yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're in an abusive relationship.

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings: Do you...

· feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

· avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

· feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?

· believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

· wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

· feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behavior: Does your partner...

· humiliate or yell at you?

· criticize you and put you down?

· treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

· ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

· blame you for his own abusive behavior?

· see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Violent Behavior or Threats: Does your partner...

· have a bad and unpredictable temper?

· hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

· threaten to take your children away or harm them?

· threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

· force you to have sex?

· destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behavior: Does your partner...

· act excessively jealous and possessive?

· control where you go or what you do?

· keep you from seeing your friends or family?

· limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

· constantly check up on you? [constantly checks your cellphone, emails, etc?]

Warning signs of physical violence.

People who are being physically abused may:

· Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of "accidents."

· Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.

· Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser's choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser's loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance - Abusive individuals expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation - An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation - In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats - Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation - Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame - Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Abuse - Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
Guilt - After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He's more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
Excuses - Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior-anything to avoid taking responsibility.
"Normal" behavior - The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened or acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning - Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you've done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up - Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

How to "Love" an Abusive or Violent Husband

Loving an abusive husband involves preventing him from continuing to do evil.

a. This could mean temporarily leaving the house.

Carol Cornish, co-author of the book, Women Helping Women, writes the following in

Difficult circumstances require difficult choices and responses. When physical abuse is occurring in a marriage, exiting the home may be crucial for the sake of the wife, the abusing husband, and their children. If a wife is being abused by her husband, she is facing a complex problem that has no single right answer. Only she can determine what is best in her situation. It is important to realize that leaving a truly abusive spouse is not an act of rebellion against God. A wife's exiting can be an act of loving ministry to her husband. Leaving home does not necessarily lead to a divorce; just because a woman removes herself from danger does not mean her marriage is over (Emphasis added). [3]

Loving your husband doesn't mean simply stay in the home and continue to suffer.

Ø When Saul began his attempts to physically harm David, David fled. (1Sa 19:10 ESV And Saul sought to pin David to the wall with the spear, but he eluded Saul, so that he struck the spear into the wall. And David fled and escaped that night.)

Take note that when David fled from Saul it did not mean that David did not love Saul nor that he no longer respected him. Saul was the father-in-law of David. David had several opportunities to kill Saul but he did not do so. And when finally Saul died, David even grieved for his loss. This shows us that it is possible for wives in a situation like that in their marital relationships to continue to be loving towards their husbands.

Ø When King Aretas was trying to capture Paul, he fled. (2Co 11:32-33 ESV At Damascus, the governor under King Aretas was guarding the city of Damascus in order to seize me, 33 but I was let down in a basket through a window in the wall and escaped his hands.)

b. This could mean reporting your abusive husband.

Why many victims refuse to report their abusers. (Jim Newheiser's notes)

False guilt.

· I deserve this mistreatment. God is judging me.

· If I was a better wife, my husband wouldn't beat me.

· Maybe he is right. My failures cause his anger. (Manipulated)

· I would feel awful if I caused someone to go to jail/prison.

Fear.

· More afraid of being alone than being abused. I am stuck. I have nowhere else to go. If I expose his sin, he will go to prison. How will I care for my children? I don't want to be alone. Shame: separated woman.

· Threats of retaliation.

· If I report him he might kill me.

· If I report him, he might kill himself.

· No one will believe me.

Wrong views of submission.

· If I just submit to abuse, God will intervene.

· A meek and quiet spirit means that I am to say nothing & to accept blame.

· To report my husband to: Elders or the authorities would be unsubmissive. He told me not to tell anyone.

Confusion.

· Not his fault: he is sick

· My husband is a Xn. Maybe this is normal. Wants to believe the best.

· He is usually such a nice guy: always apologizes after he hits me.

· From Internet: "I believe that I am the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves me."

(1) Inform your extended family.

· 1 Timothy 5:4 ESV But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.

· 1 Timothy 5:8 ESV But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

(2) Tell it to your church.

Matthew 18:15-17 ESV "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Some churches fail to adequately deal with the problem. Edward T. Welch, author of the article, "Helping the Victim," writes:

[It is important that the church learns to listen] because many victims of violence are reluctant to speak openly. They may fear that openness will lead to retaliation by the abuser. They may feel ashamed that they contributed to the war, although they are not responsible for the violence done to them. They may consider their problems unworthy of a pastor's or a friend's attention, or they may feel ashamed that their husbands could dislike them to the point of violence.

Unfortunately, some are also reluctant to speak because of how quickly some pastors and friends turn to the refrain, "Forgive and forget." Some women are told that as soon as the abuser asks for forgiveness, it is the victim's responsibility to forgive-and to never bring up the subject again. Not only is the idea of immediately forgetting sin questionable teaching, but to make "forgive and forget the primary biblical emphasis in situations like this leaves women feeling like as if they are now the guilty ones because they can't drop the issue.[4]

(3) Report to civil authorities.

If the abuser will not submit to the authority of the church, it is appropriate to involve the civil authorities.

Romans 13:1-5 ESV Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, 4 for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God's wrath but also for the sake of conscience.

Please take note that civil authorities are "God's servant to do you good." There is situations when we need to seek their help.

If the violence has been personal and dangerous, Edward Welch suggests that the counselor do the following to the victim:

taking the victim for a medical examination, calling the police, or providing a temporary safe place for her to stay. If the home is potentially unsafe, it is wise to inform the perpetrator that his wife has revealed the violence and is staying at an undisclosed safe place. {The husband must be made to understand that the church's leadership takes domestic violence very seriously and will act to protect his wife even as they also seek to minister to him and hold him accountable.} It may be appropriate to encourage a battered woman to press legal charges, so that her God-ordained civil authority can be used to help bring an end to this evil.[5]

Summary:

How are wives to love their husbands if they are abusive or violent? Remember that our study today is just the first portion. This is not all there is to know. And this is just in cases where the husband is already harming the spouse.

"Loving" your husband means preventing him from continuing to do evil. This could mean temporarily leaving the house and reporting your abusive husband. This includes informing your extended family, telling the church, and reporting to civil authorities if the husband will not change.

The Lord willing, we will continue to look at the other principles next week.

[1] Taken from http://www.ops.gov.ph/records/ra_no9262.htm

[2] Taken from http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

[3] This quotation is from Carol Cornish's article, "Counseling Women Married to Unbelievers," in the book by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Carol Cornish, Women Helping Women (Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 1997), p. 230.

[4] The quotation is taken from Edward T. Welch's article, "Helping the Victim," in the book by Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey, Pastoral Leadership for Manhood and Womanhood (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 2003), p. 266.

[5] Ibid., pp. 266-267